I don’t think dad ever got to finish his bucket list, if he even had a bucket list. I don’t know… He was sort of a private person. He didn’t share much with me. He shielded me from anything painful because he was the dad and I was the daughter. That’s how life is supposed to work. One person shielding the ones they love from the pain they are experiencing so they don’t feel pain themselves.
I was thinking if dad had a bucket list a jimmy buffet concert would be on it. I got us tickets to the Beach Boys six months before he died, but he was too sick to go. I got him tickets to lynyrd skynyrd four months before he died, but he was too sick to go. So I did those without him. And jimmy Buffett just seemed like something he might really want to enjoy so I did that without him too. It was fun in a I drank too much tequila and might just want to go home and sleep sort of way. It was quieter than I expected. The parrot heads don’t make too much noise.
I’m not sure what else might be on his bucket list. I wish I had a chance to go to a show with him. Music is one of the main things we had a shared love for. He sent me an email on Father’s day last year. He said he wished he was at Scotty’s on the Strand in Hermosa Beach. I’m hoping that next year we can get to Hermosa Beach. It would just be nice to go places that he had been before.
In between the weirdness that being a fatherless daughter is, I also have to be a mom. One of mom’s primary duties is to be a nighttime bedtime story reader. Have you ever read the book, if you give a mouse a cookie? We seem to read it constantly. If you give a mouse a cookie he always wants more, he wants a glass of milk and crayons, and coloring supplies, and anything else under the sun. I don’t really care for that book.
Every time we read if I just think, if you give a mom a glass of wine. If you give a mom a glass of wine, she might ask for some cake. If you give a mom a slice of cake, she might ask for some coffee. If you give a mom a cup of coffee she might ask for a donut. If you give a mom a donut she might ask you for something else and the list goes on and on and on and on. If you give a mouse a cookie, a mom might want a bagel.
My son asks me if I’m still sad my dad died. Yes I am still sad. He doesn’t understand. He is three. He talks about how dad is coming back to life and how things will be when he does. He doesn’t understand time or permanence, but it still makes me sad sometimes when he talks about it.
So, I’m working on an imaginary bucket list. I’m working though the stuff that may or may not have been important for dad to get done. The important thing is that I’m working and keeping busy. What else can I do? If only I knew.