It’s the most wonderful time of the year
The time that fills you with dread and with fear
What’s coming next and when the other shoe drops
You think maybe the pain will get less
The pain will get less when you confess all your sins
The pain will get less when you let them all win
The pain will get less with the passing of time
The pain will get less when it’s on your own dime
But the funny thing is that the pain never changes
The funny thing is just how it engages.
And this time do I let it in? And this time do I let it drown me? And this time do I let it win?
But this year, time has passed
And I’m supposed to be okay
I’m supposed to be over the hump and sledding downhill
The grief that I feel is only enough
To fill up the cup and not overflow
It should be enough to shove inside
To push away. To make me blind
This year I am allowed to feel
More love and happiness and all the good things
This year I can partake in what the season brings.
But what if I can’t and what if it doesn’t
And what if the sad is all that I have? And I think that’s what I’m left with and I don’t want to feel bad.
Should I shove it all in? Like stuffing in a turkey. Taking the pain and filling the hole taking the pain and gaining control.
I wish I could tell you I had it all figured out.
I wish I could tell you I was winning at life
I wish I could tell you I did it and I’m free
I wish I could tell you they stopped staring at me
I wish I could tell you I’m brave and I’m strong
But I am still here and I still don’t belong
I used to be your daughter. I used to be a wife. I used to be a mother. But now I’m just a life.
At least I think I’m alive that’s what they tell me
At least i think I’m alive that’s what I’ve heard
But when I look at myself in the mirror that dirty.
I just see a soul on the wrong side of thirty
That looks more like a hundred
And feels more like a thousand
And a sack of skin filled up with bones
And fat and wrinkles and a heart filled with stone
So here it comes…
The best time of the year
Here it comes and you best cheer
Be jolly! be kind!
Be mine for a while
Be happy! be alive!
That’s what’s required